A montage of photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Greek music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Mousebender, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various Главная страница сайта Об авторах сайта Контакты сайта

A montage of photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Greek music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Mousebender, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various


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Cheese shop

A montage of photographs. The cutting from photo to photo is pretty fast. Greek music is heard. Starting with: a close up of Mousebender, who is respectable and wears smart casual clothes; various photos of Mousebender walking along the pavement, again very artily shot from show-off angles; Mousebender pausing outside a shop; Mousebender looking up at the shop; Edwardian-style shop with large sign above it reading 'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium'; another sign below the first reading 'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too'; another sign below this reading 'Licensed for Public Dancing'; close up of Mousebender looking pleased; shot of Mousebender entering the shop. Music cuts dead. Cut to interior of the cheese shop. Greek music playing as Mousebender enters. Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually no cheese to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Mousebender approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Wensleydale appears.

Wensleydale

Good morning, sir.

Mousebender

Good Morning. I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole, when suddenly I came over all peckish.

Wensleydale

Peckish, sir?

Mousebender

Esurient.

Wensleydale

Eh?

Mousebender

(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all hungry, like!

Wensleydale

Oh, hungry.

Mousebender

(normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpolling activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. (smacks his lips)

Wensleydale

Come again.

Mousebender

(broad nothern accent) I want to buy some cheese.

Wensleydale

Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!

Mousebender

(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.

Wensleydale

Sorry?

Mousebender

I like a nice dance - you're forced to.

Quick cut to a Viking.

Viking

(broad Northern accent) Anyway.

Cut back to cheese shop.

Wensleydale

Who said that?

Mousebender

(normal voice) Now my good man, some cheese, please.

Wensleydale

Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?

Mousebender

Well, how about a little Red Leicester.

Wensleydale

I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

Mousebender

Oh, never mind. How are you on Tilsit?

Wensleydale

Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.

Mousebender

Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout yeoman.

Wensleydale

Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.

Mousebender

Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?

Wensleydale

Sorry.

Mousebender



Red Windsor?

Wensleydale

Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.

Mousebender

Ah. Stilton?

Wensleydale

Sorry.

Mousebender

Gruyere? Emmental?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Liptauer?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Lancashire?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

White Stilton?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Danish Blue?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Double Gloucester?

Wensleydale

...No.

Mousebender

Cheshire?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Any Dorset Blue Vinney?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleu, Perle de Champagne, Camenbert?

Wensleydale

Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir.

Mousebender

You do! Excellent.

Wensleydale

It's a bit runny, sir.

Mousebender

Oh, I like it runny.

Wensleydale

Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.

Mousebender

No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'apelle Camembert, s'il vous plaît.

Wensleydale

I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.

Mousebender

(smiling grimley) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Wensleydale

Yes, sir. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...

Mousebender

What?

Wensleydale

The cat's eaten it.

Mousebender

Has he?

Wensleydale

She, sir.

Mousebender

Gouda?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Edam?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Caithness?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Smoked Austrian?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Sage Darby?

Загрузка...

Wensleydale

No, sir.

Mousebender

You do have some cheese, do you?

Wensleydale

Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got...

Mousebender

No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Wensleydale

Fair enough.

Mousebender

Wensleydale.

Wensleydale

Yes, sir?

Mousebender

Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.

Wensleydale

Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Wensleydale.

Mousebender

Gorgonzola?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Parmesan?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Mozzarella?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Pippo Crème?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Any Danish Fynbo?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Wensleydale

Not today sir, no.

(pause)

Mousebender

Well let's keep it simple, how about Cheddar?

Wensleydale

Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.

Mousebender

Not call for it? It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Wensleydale

Not round these parts, sir.

Mousebender

And pray what is the most popular cheese round these parts?

Wensleydale

Ilchester, sir.

Mousebender

I see.

Wensleydale

Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.

Mousebender

Is it.

Wensleydale

Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.

Mousebender

Is it.

Wensleydale

Yes sir.

Mousebender

Ilchester, eh?

Wensleydale

Right.

Mousebender

OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?

Wensleydale

I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnooooooooo.

Mousebender

It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?

Wensleydale

Finest in the district, sir.

Mousebender

And what leads you to that conclusion?

Wensleydale

Well, it's so clean.

Mousebender

Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

Wensleydale

You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.

Mousebender

Is it worth it?

Wensleydale

Could be.

Mousebender

OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)

Wensleydale

(to dancers) Told you so.

Mousebender

Have you got any Limberger?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any cheese at all?

Wensleydale

Yes, sir.

Mousebender

Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?

Wensleydale

No.

Mousebender

(shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.


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